Me and My Kotatsu

"What is a Kotatsu?" I hear you cry! A kotatsu, not to be confused with the famous hot spring Kusatsu or the the delish pork cutlet and rice dish katsudon (not that I'm speaking from experience of course), is a short heated Japanese table that is used in Japan to keep warm during the winter. The Japanese winter is so so cold. Actually, I take that back...where I live, it's fairly similar to London I imagine, but it just feels ten times colder because the heating is so poor that you might as well be standing outside the whole time. To combat this, rather than installing good heating, the Japanese have come up with this cunning way to convince us all that we are warm. My normal table actually turns into a kotatsu in the winter. That makes it sounds like it's an automatic change, which, believe me, it very very much isn't. The table is heated electrically underneath and the top comes off so that you can put a thick blanket over it and let it fall over your legs, keeping the heat in. It can then be placed back on top of the blanket so that your table can still be used as a table. Does that make any sense at all? Maybe a photo would help, so here is a picture of my kotatsu:

It is very comforting to sit under it, but I know I'd rather be in an actual WARM ROOM and therefore not need the tiny bit of boiling hot space UNDER A TABLE that I am crammed into.

Advantages of kotatsus:

1. They keep your feet nice and toasty.

2. They allow you to use your funky floor chair if you are as cool enough to own one (as I clearly am). I love my floor chair.

Disadvantages of kotatsus:

1. It gives you only 2 square feet of warmth, which is just a few cm off of the ground.

2. It means that the only warm parts of your house are under a table and the toilet seat, with the fridge coming in third place...not the most practical of locations.

3. It makes you try to wedge yourself into the aforementioned 2 square feet of impractically located space, which even a contortionist couldn't do and then when you get the maximum amount of your body under it, you realise that it's so hot under there that you have to withdraw a bit every minute or so and sit in a sort of hovering semi-wedge.

4. You fall asleep in said wedge or semi-wedge position and wake up with boiling legs, a freezing head and an aching back.

5. It's name leads you to tell people that you ate a table for dinner or feel asleep under your pork cutlet and rice (may or may not have happened to me).

However, in spite of myself, I do spend most of my time at home wedged or semi-wedged under the thing and that is indeed, where I am now, writing to you. It's so very impractical, but when everywhere is so cold, it really is a God-send...me and my kotatsu have a true love-hate relationship. Floor chair is all love, as is katsudon and Kusatsu.

BLANK Of The Day 1

I'll let them off because they are only about 6 years old, but my little ones today couldn't believe that I use Japanese money when I'm in Japan...quite what they thought I did I'm not sure, or quite why it provided SO much shock. "Does that mean you have Japanese money?" Yes. "You don't use American money?"...nuff said

Fuss Of The Day 1

The Broken Magnet Saga...so a teacher knocks my English White Board at school and a magnet comes off, falls to the floor and the plastic covering on it breaks. If I'd have done that to somebody's notice board I proabaly would've just stuck the thing back up and ran away or binned then thing and thought nothing more of it, but since being in Japan I have realised that compared to the average Japanese person, I am a cruel, selfish wanker. This man was not...he brought it in and kerffuffled over it with two other teachers for five minutes, I still didn't know what it was. Then, he came over to me and bowed about 6 times, looking as if he might burst into tears. Bearing in mind that these magnets are about 4 for a pound and it wasn't actually holding anything up at the time, I tried to take it off of him and said who cares in my most convincing "I really really mean it" tone of voice (I said hontou about 16 times). To be honest, I was just over the moon that anyone was near enough my lonely board to knock a magnet off of it. Anyway, within 10 more fussy minutes, he'd superglued it back together and it's on the board (holding nothing up) looking as good as new already...I'm expecting my apology gift next week.

Random Event Of The Day 1

I've decided to change the 3 things down the side and make them into main posts. If you like reading just these then I will tag them as either blank, randomevent or fuss and you can click on the tag thing to the right to search just those...I am getting good at this blog malarkey. However, saying that, I don't know what to do with all the old ones so they are staying like that for now and I am gonna number these starting from 1.

Random Event Of The Day 1 :

A cardboard box left outside of the supermarket with two tiny black dogs in it (freezing cold) and a raw carrot. ??

Me and My Bike

Before arriving in Japan, I was informed that I would be working at many schools, all over the sushiless village and that my mode of transport, come rain, come shine, come snow and indeed come typhoon blowing in the opposite direction, would be a BICYCLE. The last time I had used one of these evil contraptions, I was not long out of nappies and it had a pair of stabilisers on it. I wasn't good even then, but, fifteen years out of practice and first time on an adult bike was truly catastrophic. I couldn't go straight, I couldn't turn, I couldn't stop...the bike basically went wherever it wanted and I just obeyed and pulled faces. In a village where there is barely ever anybody around, it was amazing how crowds of people seemed to emerge from the rice fields just in time to see me fall off in to a muddy puddle, crash into a tree, or (all of these things really happened) drop a mini can of sweetcorn that I'd bought in the supermarket out of my old biddy basket on the front of my bike and somehow simultaneously run over it and pop it! I thought I was hiding my crapness quite well, but in fact they prompted most of the very first awkward communication sessions with the people in my village (I won't call them conversations, as I don't think being able to say nothing more than "konnichiwa" really qualifies) being them laughing and doing gestures of handlebars whilst wobbling and pulling scared faces...ha bloody ha.

Anyway, I did get used to it and managed to stay away from trees and even safely transport sweetcorn. In April (8 months after I'd arrived) I was given a new biked. Well, it was newer than mine, but still second-hand, I was very grateful of it though, because my original bike had had "Tatebayashi High School For Girls" written on the back of it as it was a stolen/borrowed/lost/mystery bike prescribed to students of that girls school (not that anybody told me that until it was changed!!!) I was checking the bike with my boss and I was like...the pedals turn too easily, it's way too light... she said "it's on first gear, put it up" so I did and I was like "Oh! It's changed!"...she said "Yeeeess...it's a gear, that's what it's for!" Then I said "yeah, but normally they don't change that much" dawning on my mid-sentence that when I said "normally" I was referring to the one other bike with gears that I had ever sat on in my whole life....we got out the old bike....the gears had been broken the WHOLE TIME I had been using it and I hadn't even noticed because I didn't know what a gear felt like!!! I was so embarrassed!! I had been innocently turning away the little gear knob when it wasn't even changing a thing! To make it worse, it had been stuck on top gear, explaining why there was a hill in town on which I always had to get off and push my bike up and another hill that the first time I went up it I was following a 50-odd year old woman who was showing me the way, who got up it no problem, whilst I broke out in the sweat of the century and caved in and pushed. I had thought that I was the weakest person in the world but it had been a broken bike made for 15-year-old girls all along!

Even if I do say so myself, it may have taken me over a year, but I am a bit of a pro now...I can use gears for starters, I can go really fast and I can EVEN stand up when I cycle. My next aim is to do that thing where you sort of start pushing it and have a foot on pedal before you get on it and then sort of fling the other leg over the seat once the thing is moving...I have been a bit too scared to try that one as of yet though, due to the incredibly high chance of a large amount of humiliation. Half the number of legs on the bike, double the chance of embarrassment, I reckon.
It is still ever so slightly depressing to live in a place that makes you quite literally reliant on your bloody bike to be able to get ANYWHERE, but it is a darn sight less depressing, now that I can get there really fast, whilst standing up and knowing what a gear feels like. Success (albeit slow) on the bike front!

In other news, latest fuss at school is about music. I am doing an event next week (originally) entitled "English Week" (I'm not being too sarcy though, because I chose the title) and I am arranging a few different little things for it. I hope to post about when it's over and when I can be bothered (that's a combination that could be quite a long time coming) but, with it just a few days away, fuss is through the roof. I wanted to play a recent UK chart hit every day next week over the announcer (they have a radio type system here like you used to see on Saved By The Bell or something) during cleaning time. The aim is to teach them about other cultures and to motivate them to study English. They usually have music anyway, so I thought it would be no problem. My teacher told me that lunch time would be better (apparently there is a worry that all the kids are just going to stop still in their tracks in order to listen for five minutes and not do anything whilst the music is on, which I feel is incredibly unlikely to happen, but still...).

Anyway, the upshoot of it being changed to lunchtime (and this an upshoot that has shooted its little head up after I have gone and downloaded 3 rubbish new pop songs from iTunes) is that the head teacher feels the music must be "good for eating lunch to." What precisely this meant was a bit of a blur to me for a few minutes, until what I realised was that they mean slow and boring. Firstly my teacher said "no rock...no guitars" (?) but on playing him clips of the 5 songs I'd selected and watching his eyes pop out of his head and hit the computer screen, I realised that guitars and rock were not the only problem...fast, loud (I'll just turn the volume down??), electronic, rap and DRUMS are also issues...I think I can sum up the severity of the reaction by telling you that he recommended I use the UK NATIONAL ANTHEM as one of my song choices!! I am not kidding!! Is that going to inspire 14 year-olds?? I have spoken to a few other teachers about it, who all seem to think that drums are fine but all said "It's not rock is it?", whispering the word "rock" as if it was a swear word and looking uncomfortable...especially surprising as I'm sure the rock they are imagining is about as risquee as Coldplay after they have had a foot bath and a cup of herbal tea. Ironically the songs are indeed NOT rock, and are in fact poppy things like JLS and The Saturdays who are aimed and kids much younger than the ones I am aiming at in reality. I asked my teacher if drums and fast would be ok if it wasn't too electro and was truly "poppy pop"...which he now thinks is an actual phrase and is throwing it about willy nilly so I am now frantically searching the charts for poppy pop that is good for eating lunch to - not an easy task! I know I shouldn't have said poppy pop but, funnily enough for an English teacher, I rarely have time to think about the accuracy of the English I am using here as I am just thinking about how to make it as simple as possible...I certainly didn't want to introduce the word cheesey into the conversation because who knows what confusion that could have led to?? I've found an older JLS song which seems less electro and that awful Cheryl Cole one "Fight For This Love" which is sort of electro, but has no rap, guitars, drums or indeed tune at all. Let's see if we can come to a compromise which will put the kids off of English slightly less than some choir dirging out "God Save The Queen!" I will let you know!

Back To School

Today's Gift Count (no word of a lie) : one cake, one sachet of posh tea, one home-made loaf of bread, one mini 2011 planner and two photos of myself (from two different people). Gave some more of my gifts from England today and had a text from one of the English volunteers about an hour after I gave her hers which said she was "sooooo happy" (you just count them os mate)...like I said in my last post, I am a quality gift giver (actually it was a Now magazine and a Jon Bon Jovi diary, but you've gotta know your audience innit).

So, on to my main topic...Being back at school has been going fairly well so far this term, except for being so jet-lagged that I have spent a lot of it feeling like it's 2am. Friday was the first day back, but in true Japanese style, the first day back isn't so much a "day" as a 3 hour session of ceremonies, meetings and cleaning, before the kids go home, leaving the teachers with another 5 hours of meetings, or, in my case, 5 hours of sitting gaumlessly at my desk trying desperately to stay awake. This is the second year in a row (out of two at the school) in which the Head Teacher has for some unknown reason chosen to use ME in his New Year speech, without informing me, or indeed speaking to me for at least 2 months prior, prompting 500 students and 30-odd teachers to turn around and look at me, whilst I am innocently staring out of a nearby window or picking my nose or something. I then realise, look shocked, grin and sort of nod-bow. Of course, all I ever know is that it's something about me, not what he is actually saying about me, so he could be saying, "Why on earth is that moron MARK still here, staring out of a window like that" and I am just grinning and nodding him along. No, actually, last year I know that he was talking about Susan Boyle (as you do) and just kept referring to the UK as "Mark-sensei's country," as if he thought that was its actual name. This year's was something about his favourite moments of last year, but, assuming that his favourite moment of last year wasn't simply "Mark-sensei" there must have been more to it than that.

Anyway, lessons have all been going very very well so far. Have been using some UK chart music with my second graders, which has been going down well (although I am rather supsicious that it's more just an excuse for them to chat, not that they need one, but at least they are talking about soemthing vaguely related to English this way.) With my third graders, I have had a whole lesson to myself, which is quite rare with that teacher (which I can understand, cos they are busy with exams and stuff and he has a lot to get through), but I did a talk and quiz about my trip back home, where they had to guess what I did while I was in England. Also, before the holidays I had them all write a question in English on a piece of paper, took them back to England and then I got my friends and family to write answers back to them. It was something that I really wanted to do, but was a bit worried that the English would just get too difficult for them (they aren't used to things that aren't lifted directly from the textbook) and that it would just put them off English more. Also, it was the absolute bane of my existance during my holiday, ruining precious catch up time with my mates (160 is a lot of questions for two weeks, especially when you have a year and a half of goss to catch up on!) "Friend: Marrrrkkkk!! How have you been? How's Japan? How's the job? You look amazingly beautiful and radiant! Me: You couldn't just quickly write down for this student what Japanese food you like or whether you prefer AKB48 or Arashi for me could you? Ten times!" Anyway...it was all well worth it in the end, because the reaction was fantastic and they all tried really hard to understand the answers and everyone thinks that all of my friends and family are absolutely gorgeous (I glued photos on the back). Anyway, wonderful lessons all round there so that was wicked.

The only problem of the last few days came yesterday. When I first came to Japan I started taking Japanese lessons with a teacher in my town. He rather incoveniently for me went to live in China for 8 months or something and that commute wasn't really gonna happen so I have been on a rather long break. Anyway, he's back now, and he always used to pick me up for the lessons and take me to his house for the lesson (so that his wife could feed me enormous amounts of green tea and sweet, Japanese bean-filled blobs which all taste exactly the same but are apparently all completely differently.) Anyway, in the meantime, I've moved house, and he didn't know where my new flat was so we agreed to meet outside the town hall. Still, because he felt bad making me walk 2 minutes to the town hall, he cycled (not sure why he cycled) the 20 minutes from his house to the town hall earlier in the day, in order to look at random nearby blocks of flats to see if he could see mine. Don't forget that the reason he comes to get me is to save me the very same cycle ride. It's almost too nice for words, but completely fruitless as he couldn't find it anyway so I had to WALK like some kind of WALKER 2 whole minutes to the town hall. And that was my big problem of the last few days...wanker. How could he do that to me??

No, no, that wasn't my big problem. I was feeling totally fine, was lovely to see my teacher and his wife after quite a while (I did actually see them briefly when he was back for a visit in October but still, even that's over 2 months ago). Anyway, about 5 minutes in to the lesson, I suddenly started to feel a really strong pain in my stomach, and I'm not the "ill" sort of person, who has a headache and takes a week off of work or calls a hospital in case they are dying, I'm more the sort of person who would have to be about 10 heartbeats off of dying before calling in sick for work, let alone ring a hospital (I waited 48 hours before going to the doctors after starting to feel ill a couple of years ago with what turned out to be a burst appendix). Anyway, it was so painful, that I just had to say something and ask if I could just go home. I couldn't believe I was saying it almost, but I knew that I just couldn't sit there, for fear of throwing up all over my bean blob. Being ill in Japan is definitely something that causes a fuss, so saying that I was ill, all of a sudden, at the table of somebody else's house, was a cue for the fuss of the century to break out. He called his wife back down (which he does with a very rude OI type noise as if talking to a criminal or a meercat or something) and they then set about touching various parts of their body (some rather compromising) to try and guess what was wrong with me, supplemented by my teacher frantically flipping through his dictionary and coming out with things like "are you nachiies?" (nauseous) and "do you have dyorihaa?" (I can't spell the real one, but you've got it right?) with his wife standing next to him doing incredibly accurate gestures for each potential illness. From a British perspective at least, Japan has a very strange privacy culture. I mean, if I reach up at school and somebody sees my tummy poke out of my t-shirt, they all find it so hilarious and hold their heads in their hands in embarrassment for me, yet, somebody just saying, I need to go home, I have a "dicky tummy" or something as I would probably say in the UK, does not get the response of "OK, I'll take you, take care" no more questions asked, but instead some kind of charades routine of the shits and vomitting and a broken English list of body organs...very strange and VERY embarrassing. All the time I just kept saying "I don't know" and concentrated very hard on not letting the pair of 50-odd-year olds in front of me doing impressions of vomitting and shougin words like "bowels" at me, actually make me vomit all over my textbook. Anyway, eventually I was allowed to go home with just a warning (it was like the Spanish Inquisition I swear), and I will just be polite and British now and keep my privacy by saying that all you need to know is that I'm fine now. I hope that will do in my next lesson and they won't ask for photo evidence of what happened!! Keep your bowels crossed for me please!

Kentucky Fried Christmas in Japan

Christmas in Japan is something that is incredibly hard to explain...you really have to see it to believe it...in fact, it has taken my second time round to believe it...who knows how many it would take for me to understand it!


In some ways, Japanese people celebrate Christmas equally as much as we do in the UK, in other ways they don't celebrate it at all. Basically, if you take all of the things about Christmas that you have found too tacky and annoying to cope with since the age of about 7, then do away with all of the nice and meaningful things about it, throw in a cardboard bucket of cardboard tasting KFC chicken and you have Christmas in Japan!! Delightful!!

The cheap and tacky sparkling and flashing decorations arrive in the shops just as early as they do in the UK (mid-October??) and lights (actually some pretty impressive ones) hijack shopping centres and city high streets, and indeed some people's houses...not bad for a non-Christian nation. Japanese versions of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" fill the air and cheap, super-ecstatic happy Christmas adverts (and Japanese adverts and pretty cheap and pretty happy all through the year) fill the airtime. Signs with pictures of Santa and reindeer etc. can be found in almost every shop and all the kids were doing Christmas crafts at primary school (probably even more so than I ever remember doing when I was at school), not that that stopped my last English lesson with EVERY class being another Christmas craft lesson. I don't mean to sound like a Scrooge, and we did have fun in the lessons (making card, snowflakes, carboard stockings and Christmas crackers) but the whole affair really is a bit of an overkill, especially considering what Christmas actually means to Japanese people...roughly nothing.






On a side note, can't put pictures of my kids up, but this is Christmas crackers at the adult class...think that's allowed. Christmas crackers really is my favourite class to teach all year, I'm only pretending to be a Scrooge to fit my sarcastic blog...I would recommend it to any ALT, it's a great lesson, even my little terrors of a 4th grade (perfect age for it) love me after that one!





For instance, ask a classroom of children (or indeed a staffroom of adults) which date Christmas Day is and you get responses ranging from the 21st to the 27th or so...ask them what they actually do to celebrate the day (bearing in mind this day already spans a week) and most people will either say "nothing much" or "we eat Christmas cake". OK, some kind of tradition that links everybody's Christmas together..."And what is Japanese Christmas cake like?" I ask, expecting a clear answer (not like our Christmas fruit cake though because that would be far too authentic), but no, I get a different response from every person "sponge cake!" "cake with cherry icing", "chocolate cake", "short cake" "....cake" (insert cake name and I'm sure somebody in Japan considers it to be traditional Christmas cuisine. And what is the traditional Christmas meal pray tell? KFC!! KFC!! Not even a posh Japanese fast food restaurant like Freshness Burger...a greasy cardboard box of deep fried chicken. When and how this came about is a mystery to me, although I am willing to bet that it is something to do with the Colonel from the adverts looking a little bit like Father Christmas. Also, the life-sized (meaning he's human-sized, I'm not sure he is the same size as the actual original Colonel...just a disclaimer in case some Kentuckian does me for false advertising) white plastic statue of the Colonel who stands outside every (I think) KFC in Japan is dressed up as Santa for the Christmas period (ie late August until December 22nd probably). If you don't believe me....

Well the KFC Colonel Saunders Claus statue is pretty cute, and if you've got cute, you've got 99% of Japan eating out of your hands, or your cardboard buckets in his case.

Understandably, this Christian festival is a normal working day in the Buddhist and Shinto country of Japan, and understandably nobody does anything much special to celebrate, but not so understandably is why everybody sells, buys, makes, sings and talks Christmas crap for two months prior to the non-existant celebration, happening in various houses, if at all, on any day towards the end of December. It seems very strange to make such a fuss over something that is not really celebrated when it comes down to it and something for which most of my students at least, have no idea why it is even there. "Is it Santa's birthday?" "Is it because Santa is nice and chose to give us presents in December?" "Is it Mark's birthday? (2 younger kids actually guessed that, I was tempted to say yes, but they all would have believed me and the teacher might have too so it seemed a bit too cruel, and ever so slightly blasphemous). Anyway, I've taught them all a little bit about Jesus, which they can forget in time for next year so that somebody else can teach them again! I have long since given up trying to work out why Japan is the way it is and this is the exact sort of baffling reason why...Christmas in Japan is finger-licking bad.

Japan and gift giving お土産 omiyage

Japan is nothing short of obsessed with its tradition of お土産 (omiyage). Omiyage are gifts given to just about every person you know to say thank you, to say that you've been on holiday, to say 'please do something for me', to say hello, to say goodbye, and generally any message that needs to be (or doesn't really need to be) conveyed. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I actually get more gifts a day than I do conversations...today I have received two bisctuits, one chocolate, four satsumas and five small spinning tops (?)...not bad if you ask me! Writing this article, however, has just made me realise that I have left those four satsumas in my desk over the weekend to rot...DAMN!!

In all holiday destinations there are rows of shops exclusively aimed at selling gifts to take back to friends, family, neighbours and colleagues. Many service stations along the motorway have a variety of gifts from nearby towns, presumable for people who are on their way home and have forgotten to buy for somebody or for people who don't actually want to go to the place, they just want to go halfway, buy the gifts, and go back. Particularly popular are huge boxes of fairly generic cakes or biscuits, individually wrapped (perfect for splitting between many, particuarly for laying on the desks of colleagues) with the name of the place written on the wrapper. These must be bought in their millions in Japan! A bit (exactly) like this ....

Of course, me going back to England for the Christmas holiday was something that everybody I have ever met and his wife knew about...meaning that I had to buy a gift for everyone I have ever met and all of their wives, which need to fulfill many ruthless criteria :

1. Be the appropriate size and worth to match the person you are buying for and your relationship with them.

2. Be sufficiently typically English, and by that I don't mean something that is actually typically English, but something that a Japanese person considers to be typically English.

3. Be sufficiently cheap that I can afford to buy 40 million of them.

4. Be sufficiently small and light that they will all fit in one suitcase.

5. In the case of the teachers, be edible and individually wrapped so that I can go and neatly place one on every person's desk.

Hence a LOT of trapsing around Tescos with a list of names as long as my arm and this mental check list.....Not an easy task!!

After emptying my suitcase, you can see about half of them here...

I eventually settled for 4 boxes of Christmas crackers, 5 mini Christmas puddings, 2 packets of custard mix, 3 boxes of after dinner mints, 3 packets of mini Tesco rip-off Mars bars, 2 packets of sherbert sweets, one mixed bag of sweets, 2 bags of liquorice twists, one stick of fudge, 4 Kitkats with a Santa picture moulded into them, one Turkish Delight, two boxes of 12 mini mince pies, 2 boxes of Jaffa cakes, 5 CDs, one fake paisley tie (one pound New Look! Bargain!!), one diary, 3 jars of marmalade, one packet of biscuits, one packet of strawberry bonbons, one pen with London sights on it, 3 magazines, 2 boxes of nuts, one packet of Angel Delight, 3 boxes of teas, one mini box of After 8s, 3 mini bottles of scotch, 2 Union Jack mugs and one horrible keyring with an English footballer on it.

These will now have to be painstakingly and stressfully packaged up cutely and divided between....everybody in 7 staff rooms and everybody at the Board of Education of my town, one group of lunch ladies, one man at one nursery (the only staff room who didn't get a set of gifts for themselves cos I don't like them, so only he gets one), 17 teachers at various schools who I am either sort of obliged to give special presents to or who are just really nice to me so deserve one, my hairdresser, the other hairdresser staff, two volunteers who help with English at one of the schools, my taiko group, the lady who develops my photos for me, 3 ALT friends, my Japanese teacher and his wife, my boss and her husband and 7 other Japanese friends...and I've already realised that I've forgotten someone and have to try and conjur an extra gift up. It's a lovely tradition and for every gift I give, I'm sure I receive about 10 but it's a bloody stress and between you and me, given the choice of a CD/box of mince pies/Christmas cracker or 4 satsumas/5 spinning tops, I know which side I'd be on...I am a quality gift giver.

Two recent examples, however, or amazingly lovely and completely unnecessary gifts that I have received remind me why I shouldn't be complaining at all. Firstly, in the run up to Christmas, the Itakura International Association (who knows why they have one...it has about 100 Japanese members whose average age probably exceeds the membership figure, and one foreigner...me) were running some English conversation classes. I could (and might) write a massive article about the ridiculousness that those classes entailed, but for now, let's just say that I basically went to help out 4 times, for a total of 8 hours, did very little and STILL got paid (even though I begged them not to pay me as I'd done nothing and didn't need their money, but....). Anyway, one lovely old lady was at the last class (it was the first time I'd seen her at the classes though I had met her before at another International Association meeting thing, when we spoke only in Japanese) and it turns out that she can speak almost perfect English! She did a self introduction which lasted almost as long as the whole lesson should itself! Anyway at the end, I gave them all some German style lebkuchen that I'd made (nothing like the real thing but really nice...such an easy recipe from the Beeb, stuff you Nigella and your posh ingredients, you only need flour, butter, honey and spices!) and then we made Christmas crackers with toilet rolls some snaps my parents had sent me from England. Everyone had a great time, and the local TV were there again (that is my FIFTH appearance if you don't mind). Anyway, a few days later, one of the teachers from the course contacted me...the old lady had given them this handmade card and huge posh expensive box of chocolates and biscuits for me because she was 'touched' by my lesson (bear in my that I am being paid and that all I did was explain how to selotape a cracker snap to some tissue paper and roll it round a toilet roll).

The second amazing omiyage received actually defies belief. At the end of year enkai for one of my schools we were drinking sake. There is this old man who is sort of an upper-class receptionist...I have no idea what he does except that he used to be a teacher and now he is really ill and goes to hospital a lot, so I think they might have just given him this job where he doesn't have to do much so that he still has a job. Anyway, bottom line is, I never teach with him or work with him, just talk to him occasionally on the days when I'm at his school (which is only once a week on average)...anyway, he was so impressed that I like sake, and I mentioned that my parents like it too and that I had bought some to take back to England as a Christmas present for them. Everybody was very drunk by this point, but he was very very impressed that we all like sake (very) and asked for my address so that he could send my parents some...egged on by other colleagues (who thought my address was so cool because it was written in English ???) I drunkedly gave him my address and thought nothing more of it...I thought that in his state, it would be a miracle if the address even made it out of the restaurant, let alone if he could remember the next day what it was or why he had taken it....GUESS AGAIN MARK! Came home mid-holiday to find a HUGE parcel from Japan containing FOUR, that's FOUR litre bottles of sake sent to me by that lovely drunken man (he sent it a few days later, so I am assuming that he wasn't still drunk by the way). The cost of the goods and the postage was written on it...well over a hundred quid in total!! One hundred pounds! For somebody he barely knows...and what a hassle as well! Half of me was about to burst into tears of happiness and half of me was about to burst into tears of 'What the hell am I supposed to take back to match this??' I have asked my boss for advice and she doesn't know either...the saga continues. Anyway, what with the bottle my parents received when they came to Japan as a gift, the one they got from me for Christmas and these four, my parents now have enough sake to rival a Japanese off-lisence!! Cue drunken Skype sessions from now on!

Japanese Fashion!

I don't know much about fashion, but I know a great deal about people-watching! I have comprised a list of the top trends for both guys and girls on the streets of Japan at the moment, with some words of encouragement (or more often caution) for the wannabe copycat back home in Blighty (or anywhere else in the Western world).

The Japanese Man

The Strap

Surely the most important accessory in the life of every Japanese person, be it on bags, coats, mobile phones, or any other potential hang-space. The plethora of dangling bits and bobs leaves you wondering why phones are on silent in Japanese trains while you can hear the jingle-jangle of the bells ringing up and down the carriage. Phone straps are a fashion item that may appear at best effeminate, at worst childish and stupid to the average Westerner, but whatever your opinion they are clearly here to stay.
Advice for the westerner copycat: I confess to have caved to this fashion craze once or twice, but have limited myself to only adorning my mobile phone and only whilst in Japan. If you cannot resist the cuteness of the mobile strap, be sure you do a double check before hopping on a bus or train going anywhere remotely cool unless you want a beating for resembling a geeky teenage girl.

The Bright Check

A buttercup shade of yellow, a fuchsia shade of mauve, or a plain poofta shade of pink -- the more feminine the colour the better! I challenge you to find a Japanese man under 40 who is not adorning a check-pattern on him somewhere. Seriously… just try!

Advice for the western copycat: Give it a go! Checks are an inoffensive pattern and easy enough to find in local stores. If you are looking for an easy transition item that is not too vibrant, red check shirts seem to be the top pick (there is so much choice at Uniqlo you will think that you have walked into checkoslovakia (bad joke!)). Warning: black and white checks apparently do not rouse the same level of fashion cool. I picked up a black and white shirt in Uniqlo recently to my Japanese friend’s absolute DISGUST.

The Hanger:

Two T-shirts in one (for the price of 3), where one sits under the other and the outer layer sort of hangs somewhere around chest level.

Advice for the western copycat: I have given this style a go, and have had nothing but disappointing results, but do not let my bad experience get you down. By all means, get out there and seek out the perfect hanging top and let me know how it goes! And just a friendly warning: this top is especially to be avoided on hot summer days as there is enough hidden material to clothe an entire Sumo tournament!

The ¾ Length Trouser

Come rain, shine or snow, the ¾ length pant allows the Japanese man to flaunt a peek of his muscly chicken legs and send the girls in to a giggly frenzy. They are literally worn with no regard for temperature whatsoever.
Advice for the western copycat: The ¾ length pant is also in-fashion in Europe, so it is not too out there to snag a pair for yourself, after all, they have to be better than an above-the-knee short, don't you think? However, in the bleak midwinter, be careful when sporting this fashion trend! I have no idea how the Japanese guys manage to get away without catching a cold (something you want to avoid especially in Japan as a minor sniffle will doom to wearing thd dreaded paper mask 24 hours a day!)

The Crazy sock

Incorporate some crazy check or a bright stripe into your sock wardrobe. Perhaps pairing the crazy sock with the ¾ length cure the paper mask blues, but you will likely look like a fool.

Advice for the western copycat: Embrace the crazy sock! I have been known to sport a crazy sock or two and in my experience it gets me kudos at your visit school when your poofta-pink check is clashing with your turquoise slippers. If your target audience isn't 7-year-old Japanese children, I am sorry if this advice is misleading.

The Man-bag

All colours, shapes and varieties, often accompanied by the aforementioned strap, and even a cheeky bit of check for good measure - the man-bag is a staple of Japanese men's fashion. Again, it seems the more effeminate the better, so go big, or go home!
Advice for the western copycat: The man-bag is far too useful to resist! Be sure to ignore that episode of Friends…who wants to take fashion advice from Matthew Perry anyway? Embrace your feminine side and grab one for yourself!

The Baggy Turn-ups

Be they cords, jeans or chinos, baggies are in - especially when rocking the ever-so-fashionable turn up! If you are so lucky, the turn up may even reveal a check pattern to cleverly clash with the checks you are sporting on the top half!

Advice for the western copycat: The turn up proves to be slightly more masculine than the rest of the going Japanese fashion, so trying out this trend is possibly the easiest and safest bet in your attempts to dress more Japanese. The turn up may be a popular trend with old men the world over, but news of this has yet to reach Japan. Turn up your regular old trouser bottoms just once and have them sit by your shoe. Turn them up some more to transform them into the aforementioned ¾ length, or turn them down to go for the super loose look… it is like three pairs of trousers in one!

The Big Hair

Whether it is Bart-Simpson-Spiky or a Jon-Bon-Jovi-Tapered-Mullet, Japanese men's hair is loud and proud, sculptured precisely into gravity-defying shapes that just won’t budge.
Advice for the western copycat: It is a hard-fastened rule that anyone of Asian descent must copy this trend. In fact, it should be illegal not to do so. You may have to wake up an extra hour earlier to style it all in place, or simply ditch your morning routine of eating and washing in the name of good hair. For the rest of us, we may as well quit while we are ahead. Even if at best you manage to create some spiky sculptured creation before you leave the house, 10 minutes down the road and you will be sporting a floppy hairball. Not to mention what would happen if it is hot or windy or snowy or rainy (in other words in England you might have half a hope in hell for about two weeks in June!). This however does not stop my hairdresser from poking my hair for an awkward half-an-hour on each visit, with a look of disbelief every time it falls flat against my head once again like the shameless caucasian I am.

The Japanese Girl

The Strap

Same as the man-strap, of course, but not nearly as offensive on a woman. Perhaps it is because these dangly bits and bobs are as feminine as it gets to begin with. Any size, shape, design, and character goes, and the more you can cram on every hangable bit, the better!
Advice for the western copycat: Go for it! Unlike the man-strap, they could even be safe back in England (?) (or maybe I have been in Japan for too long). Having said that, pick and choose! Perhaps steer clear of the gigantic Big Mac or Chicken McSandwich straps, which have become popular in Japan after a free giveaway with Happy Meals, as they do not have quite the same cute-factor as Mickey Mouse or Stitch! Quality over quantity, ladies!

Leggings under Shorts

So I admit, the leggings-under-shorts look is a bit of a twist to what we are doing back home, and leggings have been the craze for a while in the UK, so why not take it a step further? After all, leggings under shorts are far better than the recent UK trend of wearing just leggings aren't they? It seems that most girls go for simple black leggings with a splash of colour in the shorts, but it is not a hard venture to find lace, stripped, checked, or zebra print leggings too!

Advice for the western copycat: Perhaps this fashion trend is worth a try. I know you are probably thinking, 'no way' but it is far better that what is to come…

The Net Curtain

By this I mean the flouncy things hanging off of any item of clothing or accessory that seem to drape a few metres behind the wearer, whacking the innocent passer-by in the face. Sometimes these bits are so flimsy and bitty that you are not sure if they really are a piece of flowy clothing or if the poor girl has just left a tissue in the wash.
Advice for the western copycat: I would advise that the net curtain is a risky look. If you find yourself brave enough to try it out, please be cautious not to catch yourself in train doors or escalators. The net curtain should be sold with an attached health and safety warning!

The Dungaree:No explanation required. So in fashion at the mo in Japan!
Advice for the western copycat: Don't!

The Floral Onesey

If you have walked the streets of Tokyo lately you were sure to see hoards of cute girls decked out head-to-toe in delicate small flowery patterned one-piece outfits. From time-to-time these garden-esque prints can look quite cute, but often they are absolute overkill, particularly when used in combination with one (or even both) of the two previous fashion items.

Advice for the western copycat: I would say that the strangely popular pink-and-browny-pattern (I am looking at you, H+M) is very risky, especially for the blondes out there, but that aside, a bit of feminine floral never went amiss, I suppose… emphasis on the little.

The Off-Ginger

As if a normal ginger is not bad enough this salmony shade of pinky-auburn is clearly the fad with the Japanese ladies.
Advice for the western copycat: I have the utmost respect for anyone who is not of Asian descent and still chances colouring their hair in Japan. To be honest, the off-ginger is an odd colour, but you may as well risk-it-for-a-biscuit whilst you stick out like a sore thumb anyway! For people living outside of Japan, I think it goes without saying that no-one actually wants to be a ginger, so the only people who should be attempting the "off-ginger" are actual gingers!!

The Baggy Trouser: (Turn up optional)If my people watching skills are proving correct, the very very large baggy trouser seems to be in fashion on the streets of Japan. Often times the baggy-trouser-shoe-combination can be a bit questionable, but at least it steers clear of the overly used 'cutesy' look. The baggy trouser is almost the opposite in a very masculine way - a contradiction if ever there was one.
Advice for the western copycat: Unless you can find a pair of baggy trousers that do not make you look like a fat-middle-aged-unemployed-KFC-loving-man, take all caution when attempting to rock this fashion trend. If you do give it a try, please post your photos to this website so that we can all criticise (I really mean laugh at) your fashion success!

The Clump:The ever-so-slightly inappropriately high heel that is 2½ sizes too big and consequently makes walking an impossible feat, while resulting in a very loud clump on the pavement.

Advice for the western copycat: These sorts of shoes are certainly not to be worn if you are in a rush for absolutely anything. However, they may be worth considering if you there is an event coming up at work that you are hoping to get out of due to injury. The big clumpy shoes are a very impractical item but I suggest treating youself some day to a pretty pair of clumps, just for fun. Perhaps you could even sport your usual flats and bring along a pair of clumps in a bag, and at the perfect moment change shoes and strike a pose until the pain becomes unbearable.

This is by no means the be-all-end-all of Japanese fashion but I hope I was able to give you a small insight into what is hot on the streets of Tokyo. Japanese fashion is a funny thing, but with a little effort, any foreigner can successfully pull of the legginged-hanger-top-underneath-the-floral-print-with-lace-slouchy-full-length-onesie-with-apple-red-size-32-clumps. Or, on second thought, maybe not...

Photos courtesy of Fashion in Japan, Japanese Streets, and Cool Trans.

Originally written for the GUNMANIA JET blog and edited by Jessie Zanutig.